Stabby
Well, it’s Tuesday over here in Lockdown as I attempt to start writing something before the weekly ball ache known as Wednesday strikes again. I saw a piece of graffiti yesterday during my hour of yard time that said ‘I’m sad and stabby’, which I’d say is a fairly accurate summary of many people’s lockdown feels. As I spend the majority of my time interacting with my clients in the precious few ways we are allowed to, I’m pretty familiar with the various reasons we all have to be feeling sad and stabby…about lockdown, who we’re spending it with, and what we are missing the most. Here they all are, in alphabetical order. I hope you find one or more that resonates with you.
Children.
I have to say, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU ALL for not succumbing to your stabby urges during this time (yet). I've never particularly wanted children myself, but the prospect of another similar crisis which involves spending 24 hours a day with said children is enough for me to want to get my uterus removed. I will never judge anyone’s parenting skills again. Stay strong and develop a moderate drinking and/or prescription drug problem. Chemists and Dan Murphy’s are still open people, just saying.
Colleagues / WFH
I’m really glad my only colleague is Graham, and, whilst he does fuck all by way of actual work, he’s great for workplace morale and not berating me with bullshit via a little box on my Microsoft Teams screen. Seriously, pretend your video is on the fritz so you can roll your eyes and mime shooting yourself in the face. WFH can eat a dick.
Entertainment
For those of you who haven’t just created an online business and spend every waking minute trying to build it, you may be accustomed to the odd moment of boredom. If you've tried all the sex positions and watched everything worth watching on Netflix, may I suggest the following:
Dog watching (not to be confused with ‘dogging’, that’s another thing). During your daily walk, choose a ‘dog of the day’ and corresponding ‘dog of the week’ from your daily winners. With the situation in Victoria RN we are likely heading for several dogs of the month and an overall 2020 champion.
Clean properly. If you’re one of those people whose mugs look like the bottom of a toilet bowl, turns out they don’t actually have to look this way.
If you missed that whole trying to crush an egg with your bicep phase from last lockdown, get on that buzz. Or, if you did and were successful, try 2 eggs.
Exercise
Yes, I know as well as anyone how much the no gym thing blows. We don’t all have the capacity to turn a room of our house into a gym, but we do all have the means of doing some form of exercise (unless you literally have no arms OR legs but in that case I can’t imagine how you’re even reading this so I think we’re fine). I know it’s not ideal, and I know that not everyone finds it easy to motivate themselves, but if there’s something that’s guaranteed to make you feel a bit less sad and stabby, it’s a couple rounds of squats or kettlebell swings. Happy to supply a brisk and profanity filled pep talk free of charge if the need arises (it will likely end with ‘you’ve fucking got this’).
Intimacy
For those of us who are ‘touchy’ people, being reduced to elbowing someone 1.5m away from you has got to be a struggle. If you don’t have anyone at home to meet your intimacy needs, here are some suggestions:
A sad shower (as discussed a couple of chapters ago). Imagine the warm water is someone’s warm body.
Sleep between two pillows, or, line them up down the middle of the bed for spooning purposes.
Walk laps of Burnley Park looking forlorn until someone lets you pat their dog, then go in for a FULL cuddle before they know what’s happening. The big white fluffy ones are especially tempting.
If you’re one of those people who hate being touched, then please enjoy this frigid time.
Keyboard warriors
You know who you are. You’re the person who goes out for their 60 minutes of exercise and then comes home to write a report on your community Facebook group about how many people you saw incorrectly wearing their mask. Can you just NOT. Seriously. This is hard enough for people and if they want to stick their nose over their mask for a precious moment of fresh air (as a break from the turkey burps) how about you just keep yours to yourself.
Lack of frozen berries.
What the fuck is going on here. I have been accustomed to 100g of mixed frozen berries with my morning oats every day except Sunday for the last 12 months. (Sunday is obviously peanut butter on toast day). Suddenly frozen mixed berries do not exist. Who the fuck is panic buying my berries and can you stop it now. I had a turkey burrito for breakfast this morning and my burps taste like meat and it’s not OK. There are sometimes the ‘organic’ ones, but you’re dreaming if you think I’m paying $8.50 for them. It’s hardship as fuck over here.
Relationships
For those who are blessed enough to be in a partnership of sorts, relationship tension is fairly unavoidable. Having an absolute meltdown over someone using the wrong emoji (true story) or similar trivial BS poses yet another pandemic problem. What I’ve learnt is, anyone can be annoying if you spend enough time with them (except Graham). Patience is key. Yes their jokes are sometimes repetitive and they always leave their fucking towel on the floor, but being alone with no jokes sucks more, so think about that before you have an absolute hernia over the dishwasher being filled up but not turned on, or lose your shit at having to hear the same story again that wasn’t good the first time. Just listen and smile in the knowledge that they’re likely forcing themselves to smile and listen to your boring stories too.
I’m sure there are many sad and stabby triggers that I’ve missed, feel free to share your own personal COVID woes, or contemplate them quietly whilst out hunting for dogs to forcibly cuddle. I think the important thing to note is that no matter what our situation is, we are all struggling with something, whether it’s too much alone time or not enough, lack of frozen fruit or abundance of your children’s company. Try not to be the dickhead the criticises someone else for how they’re coping. We can get through this stronger, having learnt a few things along the way, or we can come out the other side more of a pussy than we were to being with. Unless you’re Graham, let’s try and avoid the latter option. Hang in there guys, you’ve fucking got this.
